Guest post: 11 ways to get through the holidays without fantasizing about divorce

I found Alisa Bowman‘s blog Project Happily Ever After from the comments section of one of Problogger’s 31DBBB posts. The name of her blog struck my interest, I read a few of her posts and I liked what I saw.

Alisa is the co-author and ghost writer of 6 NY Times best sellers (impressive!); the editor of 13 publications (how does she find the time?); the former senior editor Runner’s World (that, I will never understand!); the author of articles on other ezine sites, and get this…she has just signed her OWN book deal for Project: Happily Ever After for early 2011! I am going to be first in line to read it, unless someone wants to give me an advance copy (hint-hint!). She does have a free e-book you can get on her site today

Alisa offers free marriage advice and help with humor. She unabashedly opens up her life and her marriage (which she saved from destruction) and makes you, the reader, feel normal. That everyone has problems and it’s okay to lame or a nerd sometimes, or all the time. Her advice is genuine and actionable; her ‘thoughts’ post are hilarious; and she is just, quite frankly, freaking talented.

Alisa Bowman, Mr. EdgyMama, Julie Roads

Now all that in itself is pretty impressive, but you know what? She is awesome in person! The past September, I attended the Type-A-Mom conference with the intent to have fun and finally meet Julie Roads of Writing Roads, my other writing hero.

And who did she bring as a straggler? Ms. Bowman! And I loved her. Why? Because she has a very similar personality. We are both introverts, we can do short legs of socializing, but after that we need down time. We need to sit on a couch and not say anything, and incredibly. And that is what we did. We sat there on the couch in the lobby of the hotel a few days into the conference and didn’t say a damn word to each other for like half an hour, that’s someone who I can relate too!

She’s a total foodie too, so more bonus points! Want to learn more about Alisa? Check out my pal Julie’s interview of her on Julie’s new blog The Daily Norm.

Alisa has recently written a 3-part series on surviving the holidays with her spouse (here, here and here), but she saved some of her best advice for her guest post here!

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Joyful couple 1. Agree on a budget ahead of time. Create a budget for gift giving AND for entertaining. How much will you spend? What can you afford?

2. Focus on experiences rather than things. Experiences not only last a lifetime, they are also much more likely to strengthen your marriage and family. Monetary and “thing” giving generally leaves you feeling empty.

3. Talk about what you have the sanity to keep doing—and what you just can’t handle anymore. Keep the conversation focused on you—and on how you want to have a lower stress holiday season. Try not to blame your spouse.

For instance, last year I told my husband that I was not willing to mail our holiday letter to everyone in his family. I didn’t say, “It’s your family and I don’t understand why you expect me to do this anyway. You’ve got to be some sort of sexist pig if you think this should be my job just because I’m a chick.”

No, I didn’t say anything like that. I just said, “I don’t have it in me to address that many envelopes. It makes my hand hurt. I’m willing to do my family if you are willing to do yours. Fair?” I did the same with thank you notes.

4. Downsize your expectations of yourself. Often we complain that our spouses have all of these expectations of us during the holidays. In reality, we place a lot of these expectations on ourselves. Do you really need to make an 8-course dinner? Would two courses be just as good? Do you really need to dust the floorboards before the company comes, or could you settle for not having toys in the dining room?

5. Rather than disappoint one another by buying gifts that neither of you wants, talk about one holiday gift you can buy together—for your marriage. Maybe you take a short trip together or you buy something for the house that you both want.

6. Or, if you really want personal gifts, give each other suggested gift lists. Give him a list of 5 or so ideas, so he has a good clue about what you want. Yes, it removes some of the surprise, but it definitely eliminates the sting of opening a wrapped box and discovering that, yet again, you just got a new power tool. Oh, joy.

7. Surprise one another with nonmonetary gestures. For instance, last year, on Christmas Eve, I dressed up like Mrs. Claus and rocked my husband’s world in every way. Once a year, give him a long list of ways you’d like to be surprised on holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays.

8. Split the grief equally. Ask him to be polite and civil to everyone in your family—even the annoying uncle who tells off color jokes—in exchange for you doing the same for his.

9. Plan big feasts together. You are not a failure if you can’t cook for 15 without having a breakdown. Split up tasks. Ask for help, and ask for it before the anger is simmering along with the pumpkin soup.

10. Ask for help. Ask for help. Ask for help. Whenever you are feeling resentful—say everyone else in vegetating in front of the TV while you are cleaning gravy off the stove top—say the three most important words, “I need help.” Don’t hold that resentment inside, thinking that it will go away. It won’t. It will just get stronger and stronger and stronger until you blow your lid.

11. Know how you will cool off before you need to do it. How will you cope when you feel angry or stressed? Will you go for a walk? Will you go in your room and close the door? Tell your spouse about your “cooling off” tactic, too. That way, when you suddenly up and walk out the door, he’ll know that you plan to come back.

And remember: everything is normal–everything. Too often we feel disappointed around the holidays because we have an expectation of things going a certain way — pie tasting like a slice of heaven, of a lingering hug after dinner, of warm family time spent reminiscing. No matter how your holidays turn out, continually tell yourself, “This is normal and this is OKAY. It’s really okay.” Release your expectations. Live in the moment. Forgive yourself and others. Laugh at your foibles. Then the joy will follow.